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Shrek is a 2001 American animated film about an ogre who, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with a donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord who wishes come King.

Directed by Andrew Adamson and Vicky Jenson. Written by Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio, Joe Stillman and Roger S. H. Schulman, based on the book of the same name by William Steig.
Music by Harry Gregson-Williams and John Powell.
The greatest fairy tale never told. (taglines)

Shrek

[edit]
  • [whispers] This is the part where you run away.
  • No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks."
  • What are you doing in my swamp?! [echoes]
  • All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
  • Okay, fine. Attention all...fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable! Your welcome is officially worn out! In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!
  • It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
  • All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom.
  • Thank you! Thank you, very much! I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal!
  • You know what? Maybe there’s a good reason donkeys shouldn’t talk.
  • Okay, uh, ogres are like onions.
  • NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-Bye! [whispers] See you later.
  • Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...?
  • DONKEY, LOOK OUT!
  • Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I’ll take care of the dragon. RUN!!!
  • I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially USELESS, PATHETIC, ANNOYING, TALKING DONKEYS!!!!!!!!!

Donkey

[edit]
  • This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles!
  • Wow! Let's do that again!
  • DRAAAGOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!!
  • [gets cornered by Dragon] Oh, what large teeth you have! [Dragon roars] I-I-I-I...
  • Do I detect a hint of minty freshness?
  • Princess, where are you? It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.
  • That's what friends are for.
  • [atop the dragon after she swallows Farquaad] All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge!

Princess Fiona

[edit]
  • Hey, wait! What are you doing?
  • Stop it. Stop it, both of you! Y'know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
  • Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.
[edit]
  • [his first words] That's enough! He's ready to talk.
  • "Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can't catch me! I'm the Gingerbread Man!".
  • Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
  • Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!
  • [his last words] And as for you my wife... [Shrek: FIONA!] ...I'll have you locked back in that tower, FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS! I AM KING! [Shrek whistles for Dragon.] I WILL HAVE ORDER! I WILL HAVE PERFECTION! I WILL HAVE-- [Dragon and Donkey enter the cathedral and Dragon eats Farquaad alive.] AAAH!!! Aah!

Others

[edit]
  • Peter Pan: He can fly!
  • Big Bad Wolf: What?
  • Thelonious: Three! Pick number three, my lord!
  • Wrestling Fan: The chair! Give him the chair!
  • Monsieur Hood: Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy?

Dialogue

[edit]
Shrek: [first lines; narrates his storybook] Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss. [laughs] Like that's ever gonna happen! What a load of... [toilet flushes]
[Steve Harwell music playing a song All Star]
Steve Harwell: [singing] Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me / I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed / She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb / In the shape of an "L" on her forehead...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder / You're bundled up now, wait 'til you get older / But the meteor men beg to differ / Judging by the hole in the satellite picture / The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin / The water's gettin' warm, so you might as well swim / My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? / That's the way I like it, and I'll never get bored...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / All that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold.
[Shrek strikes a match and burps like a fire in the chimney]
Villagers: Go! Go!
Voice: Go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go for the moon.
Steve Harwell: [singing] Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shooting stars...| Somebody once asked, "Could I spare some change for gas? / I need to get myself away from this place" / I said, "Yep, what a concept, I could use a little fuel myself / And we could all use a little change"...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go! / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| Only shootin' stars break the mold / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / This is how we do it... [song fades]
[After Shrek follows Villagers. The angry mob stops. Warily they part the bushes in front of them and we see that they are right outside Shrek's house. One steps forward determinedly]
Villager: [sotto] I think it's in there?
Villager Chris: [sotto; intense] All right, LET'S GET IT! [Another villager looks alarmed and reaches out, grabbing the first and stopped him]
Villager James: Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you? [A third villager pipes in]
Villager Mike: [forboding] Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. [The other villagers all stare at him bewildered]
Shrek: [brightly, laughing] Yes. [exposes himself, villagers gasps] Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres... oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin!
Villagers: No!
Shrek: They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
Villager James: [waves his torches in front of Shrek] BACK! BACK, BEAST! BACK! I WARN YA! [Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously] Right. [Shrek huge long roars. Simultaneously the villagers screws their eyes closed and screams for all they're worth. The villagers huge longest screams to kill. Their screams outlasts Shrek's roars and Shrek pounders them for a moments]
Shrek: [whispers] This is the part, where you run away. [the villagers do so; laughs] And stay out! [looks down at a sign] "Wanted: Fairy tale creatures." [sighs]
Guard #1: All right. This one's full. Take it away!
Dwarfs: He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we... He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we.
Guard #2: Move it along. Come on! Get up!
Captain of the Guard: [his first words] Next! [Guard grabs her broom]
Guard #2: Give me that! Your flying days are over.
Captain of the Guard: That's 20 pieces of silver for The Witch. Next!
Man: Get up! Come on!
Villager: 20 pieces. [As the villager passes out]
Guard: Sit down there! Keep quiet!
Baby Bear: [sadly] This cage is too small.
[Donkey turns around to The Old Lady holds his rope]
Donkey: Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!
Old Lady: Oh, shut up.
Donkey: Oh!
Captain of the Guard: Next! [Geppetto steps forward and Pinocchio down on the table] What have you got?
Geppetto: This little wooden puppet.
Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy!
[The puppet begins vibratin', and then nose shoots out to five times]
Captain of the Guard: 5 shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.
Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me!
Captain of the Guard: Next! What've you got? [The Old Lady drags the stubborn Donkey up to the table]
Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey.
Captain of the Guard: [looks up from his ledger] Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.
[Donkey swallows hard and looks at The Old Lady. The Old Lady untied the rope on his Donkey]
Old Lady: Oh, go ahead, little fella. [Donkey looks at The Old Lady, then to the Captain. The Captain looks back at Donkey, and lifts the eyebrow]
Captain of the Guard: Well? [Donkey looks back at The Captain says nothing. The Old Lady to sweat]
Old Lady: Oh, oh, he's just... He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
Captain of the Guard: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
Old Lady: [moves Donkey's lips] No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw.
Captain of the Guard: [annoyed] Get her outta my sight. [The guards advance on The Old Lady and takes her off screaming]
Old Lady: No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
[As she struggles, The Old Lady accidentally kicks the caged pixie from the boy's hand. The cage goes flying through the air. It lands on Donkey's head, exploding pixie dust all over him. Donkey shocked]
Donkey: Hey, I can fly!
Peter Pan: He can fly!
3 Pigs: He can fly!
Captain of the Guard: He can talk?!
Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a super fly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh. [Donkey falls down on the ground]
Captain of the Guard: Seize him! After him! He's getting away!
[After Shrek scares the guards off; Donkey is meeting Shrek, while following him.]
Donkey: Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!
Shrek: Are you talking to... [turns around and Donkey is gone] me? [turns back around, Donkey shows up] Whoa!
Donkey: Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was tripping over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Shrek: [annoyed] That's great. Really.
Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.
Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? [walks off]
Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. [catches up to Shrek] Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. [Shrek exhales while turning around and roars at him] Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! [As Shrek continues walking off, annoyed. He shows up from the tree branch, blocks Shrek's way.] Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time... [Shrek covers his mouth, but he is still talking in muffled, he removes his hand] ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day.
Shrek: WHY...are you following me?!
Donkey: I'll tell you why. [sings] 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends!
Shrek: [angrily] STOP SINGING!!! [picks up Donkey by his ears and tail] Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
Donkey: Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.
Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I?
Donkey: Uh... [looks Shrek up and down] Really tall?
Shrek: No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you?
Donkey: [shakes his head happily] Nope.
Shrek: [surprised] Really?
Donkey: Really, really.
Shrek: Oh.
Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?
Shrek: Uh... Shrek. [continues walking]
Donkey: "Shrek"? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that. You all right. [he and Shrek finds his home] Woo, look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?
Shrek: That would be home.
Donkey: And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know, you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. [looks at the rock nearby] I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.
Donkey: [eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home] I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you?
Shrek: I like my privacy.
Donkey: You know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... [silence ensues] ...Can I stay with you?
Shrek: Uh, what?
Donkey: Can I stay with you... please?
Shrek: Of course!
Donkey: Really?
Shrek: No.
Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! [slight pauses out; Shrek gives Donkey a look] Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please!
Shrek: Okay! Okay. But one night only.
Donkey: Ah, thank you! [Shrek opens his door, Donkey charges into the hovel]
Shrek: Ah! What are you... No, no, no!
Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', [pauses out for a few 2nds] I'm makin' waffles!
Shrek: Ohh!
Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep?
Shrek: Outside!
Donkey: Oh, ah, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. [sniffs] Here I go. Gd'night. [sighs; Shrek slams the door shut] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. Sit by myself, outside. [singing] I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. [to Shrek moans in frustration and shushs at Donkey] Oh, sorry. [Donkey walks from outside, Shrek goes to the house]
[At dinner]
Shrek: I thought I told you to stay outside.
Donkey: I am outside. [Shrek hears skittering. He spins to look and he whips around to see Three Blind Mice stumbling around on his dinner table]
Mouse #1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?
Mouse #2: Well, it's not home, but it'll do just fine.
[Shrek starts toward the table. Mouse 3 walks up to Shrek's ear wax candle. Mouse 1 bounces on Shrek's squid]
Mouse #3: What a lovely bed!
Shrek: Gotcha!
Mouse #3: I've found some cheese!
[Mouse 3 takes a bite of the ear wax candle and spits it out]
Shrek: Ow!
Mouse #3: Blah! Awful stuff.
Mouse #2: Is that you Gorder?!
Mouse #3: How did you know?
Shrek: Enough! What are you doing in my house? Hey! Oh, no, no, no, no! Get your off the table.
[A masked man named Thelonious is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. A prince named Lord Farquaad puts his gloves on and walks in]
Gingerbread Man: [Off-screen] No! [makes mumbling noises when trying to talk in the milk]
Lord Farquaad: [his first words] That's enough! He's ready to talk. [puts him down; Farquaad laughs, then signals for the table to lower] Run, run, run, as you fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
Gingerbread Man: You're a monster.
Lord Farquaad: I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?!
Gingerbread Man: Eat me! [spits at Farquaad]
Lord Farquaad: [grunts] I've tried to be fair with you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll--
[Farquaad reaches to pull off one of Gingerbread Man's buttons]
Gingerbread Man: No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
Lord Farquaad: All right, then, who's hiding them?!
Gingerbread Man: Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know The Muffin Man?
Lord Farquaad: The Muffin Man?
Gingerbread Man: The Muffin Man.
Lord Farquaad: Yes. I know The Muffin Man. Who-who lives on Drury Lane?
Gingerbread Man: Well, she's married to The Muffin Man.
Lord Farquaad: The Muffin Man?!
Gingerbread Man: THE MUFFIN MAN!
Lord Farquaad: She's married to The Muffin Man.
Captain of the Guard: [his last words] My lord! We found it.
Lord Farquaad: Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. [Guards hang a shrouded figure from a chain. They pull the cover off, revealing an ornate, full-sized mirror. A terrified face appears in the mirror]
Gingerbread Man: Ohhh...
Lord Farquaad: Magic Mirror.
Gingerbread Man: Don't tell him anything! [Farquaad drops him in the trash can] No!
Lord Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
Magic Mirror: Well, technically, you're not a king.
Lord Farquaad: Uh, Thelonious? [Thelonious the executioner smashes a small looking glass] You were saying?
Magic Mirror: [nervous] What I mean is, you're not a king yet! But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess.
Lord Farquaad: Go on.
[Shrek and Donkey flex triumphantly for the ecstatic crowd as Farquaad watches on intrigued. Shrek arms like strong (ala The Incredible Hulk), but...]
Shrek: Oh, yeah! Ah, ah! Thank you! Thank you, very much. I'm here 'til Thursday, try the veal. [laughs]
[The crowd laughter stops as all of the guards turn with they weapons on Shrek]
Guard: Shall I give the order, sir?
[Shrek and Donkey are now walking through the sunflower fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion as he makes a mess in the fields]
Donkey: Okay, so let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?
Shrek: You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
Donkey: I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.
Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?
Donkey: Uh, no, not really, no.
Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
Donkey: Example?
Shrek: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. [he holds out his onion]
Donkey: [sniffs the onion] They stink?
Shrek: Yes - - No!
Donkey: Or they make you cry?
Shrek: No!
Donkey: Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.
Shrek: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [he throws away the onion and walks off]
Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [sniffs] You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! [trailing after Shrek] Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
Shrek: I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. [walks passed Donkey]
Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfaits"? Parfaits are delicious.
Shrek: [yelling angrily; and losing patience] NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. [whispers] See you later.
Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.
Shrek: You know, I think I preferred your humming.
Donkey: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.
[They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek burns his foot trying to stomp out the campfire, so Donkey urinates on the fire to put it out. They arrive at the outskirts of a giant volcano and begin to make their way up]
Donkey: [sniffs] Whew! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.
Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close.
Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.
[They reach the top of the climb and hoist themselves up and over the ridge]
[Shrek and Donkey gaze out into the crater. The Dragon's Keep towered before them, a dilapidated castle, burned and blackened. Perched on a rock pinnacle, it was surrounded by a terrifying lake of molten lava. A single light shines in the window of the tallest tower. Dark clouds block out the blue sky above them. Thunder strikes and crows circling the castle can be heard.]
Shrek: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. [laughs]
[Shrek jumps over and approaches the bridge, with Donkey joining in behind him]
Donkey: [chuckles along nervously] Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said that ogres have layers?
Shrek: Oh, aye.
Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make (gasps, seeing the skeleton of a horse). Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.
Shrek: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
Donkey: You know what I mean.
Shrek: Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!
Shrek: Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.
Donkey: Really?
Shrek: Really, really.
Donkey: Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
Shrek: Just keep moving. And don't look down.
Donkey: [nervously to himself] Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.
[Donkey accidentally steps through a rotting board, which falls down into the fiery lava below]
Donkey: Shrek! I'm lookin' down! [screams] Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please!
Shrek: But you're already halfway.
Donkey: But I know that half is safe!
Shrek: Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.
[Shrek tries to press on while Donkey tries to make his way back under Shrek]
Donkey: Shrek, no! Wait!
Shrek: Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall we? [bounces and sways the bridge]
Donkey: Don't do that!
Shrek: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? [bounces the bridge again]
Donkey: Yes, that!
Shrek: Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. [continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge]
Donkey: No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
Shrek: You said do it! I'm doing it.
Donkey: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. [steps onto solid ground] Oh!
Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. [walks toward the castle]
Donkey: Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?
Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. [chuckles]
Donkey: I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
[The pair start making their way through the hallways of the dragon's dark and spooky keep. Shrek is wary, while Donkey is downright terrified. Only an occasional torch lights the way. The passages are littered with bones, armor, and weapons, presumably belonging to the remains of unsuccessful knights who tried to rescue the princess.]
Donkey: [whispers nervously] You afraid?
Shrek: No. But.... [shushes Donkey in the fear of awakening the dragon]
Donkey: [sighs] Oh, good. Me neither. [gets spooked and gasps] 'Cause there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.
[Donkey crashes into a pile of knight remains, knocking over a skeleton whose helmet lands on Donkey's head. The skeleton head falls off and Donkey gasps]
Shrek: Donkey, 2 things, okay? Shut. Up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs (grabs the helmet and puts it on)
Donkey: Stairs? I thought we was looking for the princess.
Shrek: [picking up pieces of armor] The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
Donkey: What makes you think she'll be there?
Shrek: I read it in a book once. [walks off]
Donkey: Cool. You handle The Dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going.
[Shrek, now disguised as a knight in shining armor walks off further into the castle. Donkey wanders off in the opposite direction, still talking to himself, and pushes his way through a giant set of doors]
Donkey: I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.
[Behind a broken wall, a giant eye opens to see an unaware Donkey. Elsewhere, Shrek spots a light in the window of a tower]
Shrek: Well, at least we know where the princess is. But where's the-
Donkey: DRAGON!!!!!!
[Donkey screams and takes off running, narrowly dodging The Dragon's fiery breath. The Dragon chases after Donkey, stomping on the pile of knight remains in her way. Shrek turns around to see Donkey barreling toward him with The Dragon close behind him]
Shrek: Donkey, look out! AAH!
[Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as The Dragon breathes another fireball. Donkey drops to the floor to avoid another fireball, which manages to singe the tuft of his tail. The Dragon is just about to eat Donkey when Shrek grabs hold of her tail]
Shrek: Got ya!
[The Dragon begins to swing her tail back and forth with Shrek still holding on, then launches him into the air. Shrek crashes through the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona's room. Fiona wakes up and looks at him lying on the floor, unconscious. The Dragon now focuses her attention on Donkey, breathing fire at him and forcing him onto a stone bridge. The Dragon knocks down portions of the bridge until Donkey is left staying on a lone pillar]
Donkey: No. Oh, no, No! [the dragon growls] Oh, what large teeth you have! [The Dragon roars] I mean white, sparkling teeth!
[The Dragon pauses, looks at him inquisitively, and then smiles. Donkey might just flatter his way out of becoming dragon food]
Donkey: I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness?
[The dragon appears to be flattered by Donkey's compliments]
Donkey: And you know what else? You know what else? You're-- You're--
[The Dragon leans forward and gazes at Donkey, revealing its long eyelashes and lipsticked mouth. Suddenly it was all clear to Donkey]
Donkey: --a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. [The Dragon flutters her eyes at him] What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye?
[Dragon blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at Donkey]
Donkey: Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh... [coughs] I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! [Dragon picks him up by the tail in her mouth and happily carries him off] No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! [Shrek groans as he regains consciousness. His back is to a Princess Fiona, lying upright on the bed near the window. Though a bit startled, she is ecstatic to see her knight-in-shining armor. She straightens her dress, lies back down, and then quickly reaches over for a bouquet off the side table. She lies back down and pretends to be asleep, clutching the bouquet to her breast. Shrek turns, takes note of the princess and walks across the room over to her. He bends down over to Fiona, and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and forcefully shakes her]
Princess Fiona: Wha... Wha...
Shrek: Wake up!
Princess Fiona: What?!
Shrek: Are you Princess Fiona?
Princess Fiona: I am... [smiling] awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.
Shrek: Ah, that's nice. Now let's go!
[Shrek turns to leave and Fiona quickly sits upright]
Princess Fiona: But, wait, Sir Knight! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? [she tosses the bouquet and lays back down, swooning]
Shrek: Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. [Shrek walks back, yanks Fiona's arm. and hauls her out of bed and toward the door]
Princess Fiona: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. [Shrek yanks on the door handle only for it to snap off]
Shrek: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?
Princess Fiona: Mm-hmm. [screams as Shrek suddenly smashes the door down with his shoulder, still holding onto her arm. He rushes down the tower's staircase in tow and grabs a torch] But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. [Shrek and Fiona cross the bridge connecting the tallest tower to the rest of the castle]
Princess Fiona: A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! [Fiona pulls her arm from Shrek's grip. They stop for a moment as Shrek figures out which direction to go]
Shrek: I don't think so.
Princess Fiona: Well, can I at least know the name of my champion?
Shrek: Uh, Shrek.
Princess Fiona: Sir Shrek. [she smiles, clears her throat, and holds out a handkerchief] I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
Shrek: Thanks!
[Shrek regards the handkerchief curiously and wipes his sooty face with it, blackening it. He hands it back to an appalled Fiona, but before she can react, they are startled by The Dragon's roar as she drops it to the floor]
Princess Fiona: You didn't slay the dragon?!
Shrek: It's on my to-do list, now come on! [Shrek grabs Fiona once again and takes off running toward the direction of the dragon's roar]'
Princess Fiona: But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did!
Shrek: Yeah, right before they burst into flames!
[He gestures at the skeleton of a knight laying against the wall, a charred outline of a man burned into the stone behind it]
Princess Fiona: That's not the point! Ugh!
[Fiona pulls her arm free from Shrek and stops running. Shrek pauses to look around and heads for a set of wooden doors]
Princess Fiona: Wait, where are you going? The exit's over there!
[she points her arm to her left and Shrek turns around]
Shrek: Well, I have to save my ass.
Princess Fiona: What kind of knight are you?
Shrek: One of a kind.
[Shrek quietly pushes open the doors, stepping out onto a balcony of large, spacious room. In the center of the room, Dragon has Donkey wrapped up on her tail. Dragon sits on a floor littered with a horde of gold coins and jewels]
Donkey: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. Look I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just, just call me old-fashioned. I don't want to rush into a... a physical relationship. I'm not...not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this, uh - - "magnitude" really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude.
[Dragon gently caresses Donkey with a single claw]
Donkey: Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing?
[Dragon looks up at the chandelier hanging above them and gently lights its candles with her fire breath]
Donkey: Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Y'know cause I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards to read --
[Shrek jumps off the balcony, grabbing a chain connected to the chandelier. The chain does not hang low enough for him to be able to grab Donkey and sends him swinging over Dragon. The chain swings back and ends up dangling him above her]
Donkey: Oh y'know I'd, I'd really love to stay, but --
[Dragon tugs at Donkey's tail with her mouth]
Donkey: Hey. hey don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- hey! What are you gonna do with that?
[Dragon purses her lips and gets ready to kiss Donkey. Shrek looks up and spots that the chain is jammed above him. He starts shaking it to try and relapse it from the pulley. Suddenly the pulley comes loose and Shrek starts falling]
Donkey: Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!
[Shrek lands on Donkey and bumps him out of Dragon's grasp just as she is about to kiss him, and now instead kisses Shrek's butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain, and the chandelier falls onto her head, which acts as a collar around her neck. She roars again, and Shrek and Donkey take off running. They dodge a blast of fire from Dragon. Shrek grabs Donkey in one arm and then grabs Princess Fiona, who has wandered into the room, with the other arm as he runs past her.]
Donkey: Hi, Princess!
Princess Fiona: It talks!
Shrek: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.
[They all gasp as Shrek suddenly stops, having reached the end of the balcony. Shrek spots a fallen column that has formed a sort of slide. He jumps on it just as Dragon tries to bite them and slides down it. Unfortunately, there is a crack in the stone, which hits Shrek right in the crotch. His eyes cross, and as he reaches the bottom of the slide, he groans and stumbles off. Dragon chases after them, the chain of the chandelier still unravelling. Dragon chases them through a large hall, her chain looping itself around multiple stone pillars as Shrek zigzags around them. Dragon ends up in front of them and breathes fire. Shrek dodges the fire and runs away, leaping over several rows of chains. He comes to a halt]
Shrek: Okay, you two, head for the exit! [setting down Donkey and Fiona] I'll take care of The Dragon.
[Shrek grabs a sword lodged in the floor and sticks it through a link in the chain and deep into the floor. Shrek catches up with Donkey and Fiona, who are waiting near the exit]
Shrek: Run!
[They sprint as fast as they can out of the castle and onto the rickety bridge as Dragon breathes a huge fireball behind them. As they reach the middle of the bridge, the fire burns the bridge, it snaps in half. They hang onto the bridge as they are swung to the other side. Donkey, unable to grab on, falls off, but Shrek catches him by the leg. Fiona screams in horror as Dragon flies over the boiling lava to get them. Suddenly, the chandelier pulls Dragon back, the sword having lodged itself into a stone column and getting the chain stuck. The group quickly climbs up to safety. Dragon lets out a defeated roar, then gives a sad whimper]
[from DVD menu, after pressing "Play"]
Pig 1: Play the movie.
Pig 2: Ja!
Pig 3: Play!
[the pigs run into Shrek's outhouse]
Shrek: No, no! No, no! Not there! Not there!

Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party

[edit]
Shrek: Hi everybody, and welcome to the Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party. [turns on the radio] I'm gonna take things down a little bit with one of my personal favorites.

See also

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Taglines

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  • The greatest fairy tale never told.
  • The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again.

Voice Cast

[edit]
[edit]
Wikipedia
Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about:
  Feature films     Main       (2001) ·  (2004) ·  (2007) ·  (2010) 
  Spin-offs       (2011) · Puss in Boots: The Last Wish  (2022) 
  Short films     Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party  (2001) · Shrek 4D  (2003) · Thriller Night  (2011) · Puss in Boots: The Three Diablos  (2012)  
  Television specials     Far Far Away Idol  (2004) · Shrek the Halls  (2007) · Scared Shrekless  (2010)
  Video games     Shrek  (2001) · Shrek 2  (2004) · Shrek SuperSlam  (2005) · Shrek the Third  (2007) · Shrek Forever After  (2010) · Puss in Boots  (2011)
 Related      Last words in Shrek media
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